Love hurts

For the past few weeks, my daily life routine has just been filled with working at Childfirst. Working with those small little monsters made everyday busy and unique, making each day an interesting one. :)

But... just last Friday, something odd happened and it made me really sad. 

Like any other day, after I had woke the kids from the morning class, sent them to their afternoon classes, I went over to fetch my kids. I stood outside the classroom, by the large window that meant that the classroom was highly seen through, and greeted my kids. Normally, at this point of time, I would have made every of my kid squeal in delight and a smile for me, but not today. While I was staring at Rui Xun (RX), he looked away from me and stared at the floor. Weird, I thought, maybe he did not slept well.

But when I attempted to take away his blanket and keep it in his bag, he started wincing (normally he would put it in himself willingly and clumsily) Maybe that was what kickstarted it, but for the remaining time, he just kept his head down, staring at the ground. 

I did not even scold him nor did I put an angry tone in my voice, but whenever I called out to him, he just stared for a moment and then looked away. And when i tried to hug or pet him, he resisted. There was a build-up to a point where he resisted my calling and touch, so much so that the result of me attempting to put him on his chair to eat, were his real tears. I could tell, it wasn't his usually attention-seeking wailing, but a genuine cry. He wailed so loud that kept all the children silent, he cried so hard that his jaw trembled, he shut his eyes so tightly that his long eyelashes seemed nuanced and for so long that seems like an eternity. There was nothing I could do to stop him, not a comforting hug, not a commanding 'stop', nor did me who held both of his cheeks ever-so-gently do the trick. (well.. it ended when I joined him in his pitiful wailing and by wailing louder than him -- but i think it was just interesting to him to hear me wail). After refusing to eat his bread, he then refused to drink his milk. For the entire time, he just stood silently at a corner, occasionally looking at me and then to the ground. He was completely obedient after that, having listen to whatever I said after that but.. I think it was all out of fear. Nothing could express my sadness, really :(. We did finally reconciled when another teacher came and asked him to sayang him and I hugged him. But well.... It was a real bad experience.

Okay maybe he was fearful of me because before the weekend started, I had lectured on him 2 days in a row. The first time was when he ran away alone after our trip to the playground, while we were on our way back to the classroom. It was in quite a mess handling so many kids and when we finally did headcount, I felt my heart clenched when I knew RX was gone. In my mind, it was like: WTF WHERE IS HE, OMG SHIT HE'S BEEN KIDNAPPED, WHAT IF HE WENT WITH SOME STRANGER, WHAT IF THE DOOR WASNT CLOSE AND HE WENT OUTSIDE. Yeah, I was panicking real hard and then, I found him, with the playground balls still in his hands, standing at the classroom, still laughing so boldly and cheekily. I wasn't in a play mood at all with him. He wasn't at all repentant and that was it I thought, he needed to learn it was wrong and say sorry.

The second time was when he started biting. I didn't mind that he bit me but he went to bite his friend too. I told him (in a way kids would understand and i know he did) it was wrong to bite after he initially did, then played with him again until he bit me again (this time round in another room with more teachers). For the second time he bit, he didn't bit his friend but only did bite me. I kind of told another teacher of his biting series and things got a bit serious (way too serious), when RX was to be isolated while playing. This meant that he can't really move from his spot, can't be with his friends around (cause we're scared of him biting his friends). Due to the fact that other kids were all treating my laps like their thrones.... I had to keep RX aside. Of the many times he wanted to come over to me... I said 'no' and asked him to sit down.  --------> I THINK THIS WAS WHAT MADE TODAY SO BECAUSE I REJECTED HIM UMPTEEN TIMES <----- but yeah.. some rules are meant to be followed to ensure the message gets across to him. (I'm really sad for having to stop him from coming to me, really sigh)

The overall zeitgeist was that... I really only wanted to teach him the proper values and learn to behave appropriately but it seems like I did make him sad and fearful..... sigh