This is the haphazard me

These days, I've been rather fixated or conscious about finding the driving force that people do certain things that they do. What is that drive that causes them to be there? To be there to so willingly to do something that is so superficial and unreal, so staged and made up. And to go back to it every single day? And the reason I found? It's because there isn't any other drives in life that are pushing them to do otherwise. There's nothing much to expect back at home or in their free time. There's nothing that makes them happy nor appreciated nor at ease... 

And to this I can't help but to think about my parents. What it must have felt like to be in their shoes. Working their asses off through a tough and long day and then coming home, to only be dealing with issues on their own and navigating through their feelings on their own. Probably because all of us are so busy chasing our own happiness in our own ways. Scrolling through countless posts on several social media platforms to fill up our own happiness and social gauge. (It's like: wtf are you doing here, alone in your room, away with typing this blog post writing about them when I could ahave been there out rightly to talk to them right. I am a bad child really. Such a hypocrite. But okay just let me vomit all of these things out and give me time to acknowledge that I have so much to work on.) Or just stuffing our earpiece in to block out the world and bury our heads in academics just so we can be on the pursuit of that valuable piece of paper and to be worthy and on par with friends of the same age?  There they are, valuing us above all and working their lives away for us while we are bastardly working for only our own. Yes, we may picture our future with them, but most of the time only as an audience and not as a participant. (I mean I and not we, I don't know why I used we.)

Okay I deviated because there's just so much going through my brain at this moment right now. But I  just felt the urge to kind of pen down or type down everything and really really get a hold of this messed up life of mine. Fucking 21 years and I've done nothing that I am proud to say I have done something. There's always a doubt, a worry or a timid devil that pulls me out of whatever I was first committed to. I doubted (still am doubting) everything and anything for ever being enough for me or if I will ever be enough for it. There's this fucking spiral of doubts and worries that's driving more doubts and worries I have. It's nothing too huge to say I am so screwed up in life but it's saying I have nothing so huge in life that I've screwed. Ufffffffffff I need to slap some senses into myself.

This is really going nowhere, isn't it. Different parallels of thoughts are just vying for that limited amount of space that I have crammed up in my brain right now I don't know why. It's like they are suddenly being activated and are running at full speed. Is it because I ate and finished that cheapo and disgusting ice-cream even when I didn't feel like it? (Am seriously blaming myself for eating it cause the milk in the ice-cream was just horrendous and I didn't feel a single bit of happiness eating it. Should I throw the other 2 I bought together for a steal? A steal it is pfft, that now I feel like I've robbed myself of feeling a steal as a steal.) Or the amount of tea I drank this morning while having a tayfamily zaocha. Oh yes speaking about that, I have to say that I really adore grandpa so much but his legs seems to be on the roll of giving problems and pain. I'm worried and sad. Grandpa is so cute and real and nice and kind and warm. But actually I wonder how grandpa really feels? After grandma passed away? Is he lonely or empty. Is he enjoying retirement or dreading life... I wonder how I'd feel when I grow old. I've always pictured myself being dead when old. Some times (like now) I just feel so detached from the world or from friends. People come and go so fast that it scares me. It's like they came knocking on the door ever loudly and ringing all the bells about their arrival. But before you know it, they've snuck away so quietly and stealthily. Why. Don't you know the heart is but a fragile thing that holds on to things for an extended period and takes forever to let a present fade to a memory? You can train your brain to base things on values but you cannot train your heart to base things off emotions. Emotions. So raw and so vulnerable. Why am I so emotional but at the same time so doubtful of putting all my emotions? Why does it keep popping up whenever I am feeling down? Why is it that it's gone when it's said to last? Why are promises so easily broken? Because it's just me... some times I really feel like fucking killing myself for what I've done. But no, I don't mean that literally but metaphorically. I don't think I have the guts to try and kill myself. When I was young, I've brought a penknife to my wrists and kind of wanted to try just slashing it to understand why people did it (and not because I was thaaaat kind of a troubled kid). But thankfully or not, I totally didn't have the guts to do it. Like why the hell would you wanna slash those beautiful and flawless skin and let them gush out red all over, while you sit there wait for a puddle to form? Or even to jump off a building... ackk I wince as I think about the grotesque awkward positions that my body would be in. No, I am too timid to end my life earlier. I am of the notion that if it is your time to go, it is your time to go. You can't fight it nor avoid it. You go. And when it is not your time, you just don't get to leave the bounds of this realm and get into another realm. If there ever is? I wonder what's after this life. It's hard a struggle thinking about this, always, when I am a free-thinker. Thinking about a heavenly place where a Father figure would tell you that you've did well during your Earthly days or rounds and rounds of hell torture for 18 storeys....... I cannot. I still have yet to figure out the purpose of life in itself and thus after-life is another issue for another day, or another life. Fiuuu okay I am not thinking properly right now lol.

Yikes okay I came here to consolidate my thoughts (but I think it backfired because now I feel even more down? zzz) and here goes:

First step, be committed to my motivations. It can be small but it's gotta start somewhere if I would want to go somewhere. And this time, I am pretty sure I know where I am sailing to. Ride on this wind and may it carry me ashore to somewhere new and exciting but most of all, something that fuels and ignites that torch in me. It feels almost too right to be true and I am so uncertain but yes, gotta trust my heart while my brain follows.

Second step, to be fucking way more attentive, patient and appreciative of my parents. Have I ever been told I'm a badass, ruthless and cruel daughter? Yeah of course. I think I deserve the most impatient and unfilial daughter award. I really say things without thinking through how much damage and hurt it might cause, especially to those I am closer with and know that they would always be there and would never betray or leave me. And after that nasty remark leaves my mouth...... I just feel like I should shoot myself in the mouth for what I just spewed. I'm such a bad child and friend. I slap myself sometimes but it doesn't work. It doesn't slap me out of being that nasty and impatient little brat that I am. So yes, definitely have to be way more appreciative and attentive. Sorry parents I've been so bad.

But holy shit, I am really such a messed up and haphazard person ain't I... Yes, I am. No wonder people come and go. I get it. There's only I to blame. And right now, I feel like I need a really sad k-/j-movie to force all these serotonin and norepinephrine out of my own body. Go away and stop making me depressed.

(And I seriously need to increase my range of vocabularies.. What's another word for haphazard? Okay google said: undirected/ slipshod/ without a care of system/ lackadaisical. Alright I've got this.)